My Apology

My Apology

I never made many mistakes in my life. I was born into a crazy family that made many mistakes, a mom that didn't finish high-school, a dad that was never open about his life, and was a hustler, and a liar. So growing up I tried to be careful, never made a mistake.

But that mistake came from living with my dad many years later. I skipped school a lot, I passed my tests but never finished seventh grade year I mean they passed me, but I was never really there. Then I lived with my mom in Vegas where I went to school but acted out. I studied and got good grades but I was always in fights talking back to my teachers, and trying to fit in. My first mistake that I had ever made, trying to be a cool kid at Dell H. Robinson Middle School, where the school was divided into cliques and colors. Not sure if it changed or not over the years, but that was my school growing up. I was with the so-called “Gangster” kids, but not really one of them. My second mistake in my long horrible life.

So I passed 8^th grade with flying colors but with a horrible reputation. So I came back to Washington state where I met my best friend, and committed my third mistake dating my other best friend's sister and ruining Halo night. Angel (my best friend) never let it go like never one time whenever a halo commercial comes on he starts the whole “remember when you killed Halo night” and I roll my eyes and just say “yea yea”.

Why is this so important? Why do I need to say all this? Am I trying to repent before I tighten the noose around my neck, and hang myself ending 24 years of nothing, but pain, and destruction. That would be funny right. A long 1 page suicide note about some simple mistakes that I made, yea that would make perfect sense. The guilt of ruining halo night, and causing fights, and never going to school. No no my dear reader it is more serious then that. Those are something I will never say sorry for because those don't matter to me. The real thing is here:

It was January of 2015 when I met her. In a skype chat room that I joined because of a game I played. Her screen name was Katie Brailsford (Shay), and I thought she was super cute. So I added her and talked to her. She was dating some guy name Antony, and he went missing on her. I didn't know why (and I still don't know why) but I hate him for it, (actually I hate every guy she has been with). We talked a lot and I do mean a lot. For a whole month I thought that she was beautiful, nice legs, beautiful smile and everything that I could ever want, and more. Then she called me for the first time, and I knew it was love at first sight (sound however you want to call it). We even spent valentines day together and laughed and had fun. Here is the kicker she lives way across the country from me, but that didn't matter to us. We were happy, and were never apart from each other, skype dates daily, long phone calls (which she has a beautiful voice when she sings), and the never ending text messages.

Months passed and my feelings for her never left, in a matter of fact they grew, and I was never alone anymore. You see before her I was with many other women that I don't want to name, lets just say they never made me feel the way Katie did. Katie saw through my “horrible” tendencies, she loved me more and more as I did the same, I never saw her flaws, I never laughed at them. She was perfect to me, and was the only girl I saw. I sent her things, bought her food long distance, and was trying to be the perfect boyfriend for her (she hated the word perfect she still does). We laughed, we cried and we fought. It strained us, and tore us down. You know what we always made up, and things went back together.

So that summer after a long fight/talk, I hoped on a plane and flew all the way from Washington to North Carolina. I passed through New York, To get there. I was nervous because this was a new experience to me. I never left Washington on my own, I never been by myself in a new place. But you know what I did it. I landed in North Carolina bright, and early jet lagged like a mother effer, but I was there. Oh yea a new chapter in my life entitled: I took out some lady with my bag as I was getting it off the belt, yea that image is still in my head, and me saying “oops sorry didn't mean to” but you know what I didn't care I was super nervous at this point because I was away from home and in some unknown state.

I remember the ride there I was in a cab, talking to the driver about my wonderful beautiful girlfriend. All sunshine and giggles from there. He was an African guy moved there with some family, made a living driving cabs (obviously). So for like a hour I was looking left and right. “oooo what is this, oooo what is that. Oh my god that is weird”. What really got me is their freeway and road ways faster then what I was use to. 65 on the freeway psssh I was driving 60, 40 down a regular road for me, for them 45. Like I said it was like being in a whole new country. So there I was in front of her house after a hour of amusement.

My heart was racing I hurried out of the car and paid the cab driver. I knocked on the door, and there she was. Face red from smiling, and instead of kissing her we hugged. Then cuddled for a while.

I was so jetlagged and tired, that when we got to my room I passed out. While Katie was away at work. I slept so good.

I slept until I was woken by a beautiful angel. Yea that's right it was Katie's beautiful smiling face woke me up, and my heart was racing. I couldn't help myself and made her mine that night.

Though it was just a week there I didn't want to leave her, I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to just say sorry boss I quit I am staying with my girlfriend I love her so much. Sadly I couldn't do that and had to Cross through Boston to get back home.

So why my dear readers are we not happily together? Well now I will explain:

well that is because she was truly different from other girls like really different. Like really different, she had split personality disorder, and was probably Bipolar (according to her). Which was new to me. So because of that I didn't know how to react we fought uncontrollably, we said hurtful things we took breaks. Ignored each other, and tried to make it work. Which we couldn't do at the time. Six months we were together, 6 months we were in loved. Messed up by me, because I couldn't learn to adapt to her disorders.

Freedom is what I thought at first no more fights, no more arguments. Just me being happy. Yea that was short lived, about months later. What did I do, why did I do this. The girl that loved me for me and as I did her, was no longer there. No more of her beautiful voice, no more of her gentle smiles, no more of her beautiful pictures. What.....just what did I do. God why am I feeling so incomplete like this. She was just a girl right. Night after night, day after day, my mind wondered on her. What could she be doing, who could she be with. Is she taken, is she happy without me. For months I wondered this until I couldn't take it and messaged her. To my surprise she was taken. My heart stopped, but all was not lost. She still loved me.

I faded in and out because of her and her boyfriend (who I don't like either). Until I stayed because she wanted me to stay, which I did, and all my feelings came back for her 10 fold because I loved her so damn much.

Things didn't go from bad to good, it just got worse for me:

She moved to Florida and took my heart with her, at this point I was broken, and couldn't live without her. Don't ask me why, but she was the one. Beautiful, cute, an angel, and funny. Sometime after she moved there I went back to school and wanted to make things work. They kinda were but there was something I didn't know, she was always busy and never really talked to me. I became paranoid because of my feelings for her.

So I talked to my ex about it (bad move on my part), and things went wrong left and right. Lets just say through a series of events things went from bad to worse, and I wound up pushing her into the arms of another man. The feelings I had for her she had for him. 2 months she told me and I would be hers. So I had to be patient, but couldn't and we continued to talk. I made her smile I made her laugh, and we even had a code word for things. I felt complete again, I felt whole like a human did, but that stopped because he didn't like it.

It was at a random moment because one day we were fine then the next boom heart break city, depression street my stop. My new home was a house full of emotions, and constant throwing up. Hehe it was funny because they say heart breaks control your body and boy they weren't lying. Food no longer tastes the same, my favorite shows cause me pain, sleep is what I crave for all the time like I literally want to sleep to escape my problems but even then I have dreams of her. But here is the kicker its only been 3 days, yep just 3 long days. Funny how love works when you fall in it hard like that Keri Hilson song; When you get knocked down (I hope that's what it is called) but I got No message, no reply. Its like I never even existed to her anymore. Pictures of us no longer exist luckily for me I kept them all. Even the ones of the food on our first date.

I am not saying this for pitty I am saying this because:

I hope she reads this, I just want her to know, I love you so much, and I really want to show you this. I am sorry for the jackassery, I hope you are reading this because. I put a lot of thought into this. This is one mistake that I am truly sorry for making, I should have just been there for you and not pushed this. I don't want to be a memory that never existed to you. I want the marriage, I want the picket fenced house, the dog, the cat, the kids. I don't want the distance from us, I don't want you to just leave me like I was never your love. I hope you know I wrote this because I just wanted to get this out to you because you are always on my mind. I want you to be my wife, I honestly cant settle for another woman other then you. I will keep our promise and wait because I will erase every memory of every other guy and fill your heart up with nothing but us. So I hope you don't forget about me and I will try, and contain the pain for as long as I can..

SO I SAY TO YOU OTHERS OUT THERE THAT ARE READING THIS (BECAUSE I WANT TO POST THIS EVERYWHERE SO EVERYONE KNOWS HOW SORRY I AM AND HOW BADLY I FUCKED UP) DON'T BE LIKE ME CHERISH THE WOMAN/MAN YOU LOVE. NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF YOU ARGUE AND FIGHT. LOVE THEM MAKE IT RIGHT SHOW THEM THAT YOU CARE AND NEVER LET THEM GO!