Idk

As each day goes by the pain gets worse for me, I know that you are ok. But I am getting worse, I miss you, and it's not fair that our plans were derailed before they got to take off. It's never fair to me when I want to do something with you I never get to do it, I never got to take you on a real road trip, I never got to take you out of the country. I get to but it's never the same for me, because I know you would love it. I dont know I feel like I shouldn't plan things with you and just do it throw caution to the wind, I never got to show you my hometown and it sucks because I cant set foot in it because your so close but I feel like I am going to get that taken away from me too.

That's what hurts me the most, I get all these chances taken away from me and I hate it. I hate how you left me and didnt take me with you, I hate how I no longer feel safe without you. I cry so much because i was actually happy i was working hard for you, and yet you say live for me, how can I do that when since I met you I've done it for you, college all of it was for you. I made a promise to take care of you and to love you and I do love you I literally always will I never get tired of you sometimes you do stuff that's so cute so stunning that if I dont walk away you'd be pregnant.

I just dont like it when, I think of something first either we cant do it or someone does it first. The summer was supposed to be our traveling time, I had it all mapped out and planned out on what we were gonna do. I can't do much with you  in the cold because it hurts your joints, you always told me that and I always kept that in mind, I didnt have a choice I would rather have you enjoy something to the fullest with a big meaningful smile then to worry about being in pain. I expressed this to you because I didnt want to see you in pain. I told you Washington wasn't the ideal place for us and it wasnt, I told you before you flew here I can fly you to Miami and I'll join you, and you said here. You said you listen to everything but why didnt you just say yes to that? I would have been right behind you, and we could be on the beach and you can be watching me swimming like a drowning fish.

You always over thought stuff and I didnt like that, you think your words went unheard but I heard them and I worked harder to make them true. I went from having a reason to getting up in the morning to why should I bother. You took my soul and my heart when you left. You literally are my sunshine in this darkness, and no one can replace you, because for a while I was thinking about it I will let her go but yet no one makes me feel the way you do. You said you are proud of me for what I do but it's not the same without you here. Most of the time I just forget about the awards and throw them out, because my greatest award is you.

I never liked getting praised I was just raised like that but when you do it, I love it, I never have dreams I have nightmares when I sleep, but when I could touch you and hold you even when I felt you touching me the dreams would stop.

The pain never goes away with you. I thought going to the maldives, and going to Australia would sooth it, but it just got worse because I want to see the world with you, but i have to listen to your concerns like being away from my family and how you think your nothing, but in fact you were something you were my everything you always say you want to be needed but I needed you more then anyone on the planet that's why I love you so much. I have never needed anything until I met you.

I blame myself because your like this, always stressed and this sense of being needed it's all my fault, that's why I let you hit me hard, call me names and I would direct your anger onto me I deserve it  I deserve all of it until you tell me you forgive me. You say have a bad memory but at times you scream that your mad that I left you at me. I am not sure if you catch it but I know you never forgot that.

that's why I push myself so hard. You dont see what I see but when I look at you your never the same girl most of the time when I look at you I see that "obese" 18 year old red haired girl, that was shy, and always having ribbons in her hair. Your the wife of my youth, you are my best friend, the most beautiful woman in the world to me  and I always say we are separated when people ask. And I get scared because I dont know how much more broken your going to be or what could happen.

We both want the same thing and I know that we can do it together because like you said to me and I said to you when you cried your eyes out, 'your all that I have'. I know right now isn't the best time but I miss you, I love you.

I am broken when you leave I go numb and I have no reason to live, why try and save my life why tell me to live wouldn't it be better if I died, why would it hurt you so much if i died? I dont mean anything you say I just hurt you you say I never put you first I mean was my memory twisted and broken was I never there? Did I not love you? The same thing pops into my head sometimes I wish this was a nightmare and your going to wake me up. If you really hate me why would you want me to stay alive, why tell me to be strong and hold on, why tell me to be loyal?

You feel right, you make me happy and I know that I give you hope that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. I feel safe with you something I never felt before with anyone something I could never feel.

I know you never read these posts since sometimes I have to beg you too. But I do hope you read this. So you know that out of all the people on this planet you have one person that will never turn his back on you and will love you and always hold you tight. So never be afraid to call me when you have a problem or that anything is wrong.