Ode to panic attacks

I hate having them.
They hurt so much.
I dont feel safe.
I dont belong.
I feel like I could die.
Joy to the panic attacks.
I can't focus.
All my energy goes into try to control them.
I lost my safety.
I lost my sense of being.
The ability to determine safety from danger.
Now blended as one.
Joy to the panic attacks.
I dont know when they come.
Big ones.
Small ones.
They hurt the same.
It's ok I am safe.
Thoughts lost now.
Contain.
Contain.
Contain.
Joy to the panic attacks.
I feel like I'm going to die.
I can't look up.
No one wants me.
I am no longer needed.
I am no longer wanted.
Can't breathe can't speak.
Just pain and it hurts.
Joy to the panic attacks.