The longest day of my life

That was today, the longest day ever. seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. Then when the time was getting close I was getting excited till I realized I had nothing to come home to, no dog, no love bug. Just myself which kind of sucks like real bad, but at the same time it gives you time to reflect on things, and how much of a failure you really are. How you wanted to have everything in place then something fucks it up and your stuck alone yet again. Having two mini panic attacks, an mini anxiety attack, and your stress level through the roof all while at work, and you know what just makes it all worse you just can't find the will to smile. you sit there with that same expressionless look that you had for like years, your heart is racing like its in the indy 500, part of you wants to cry, your head fills like it is splitting open. Your confused, and you feel like your existence doesn't matter anymore. You know you hit rock bottom, you know your alone again, you went from waking up everyday to someone who you love with a burning passion, and you feel so damn good every morning you kiss them while they sleep and go out the door to make the day great then boom, you wake up by yourself like a time skip alone feeling like each time you wake up your hung over. When the hell did I get like this, a note that says "I'm sorry you should your happiness elsewhere, I loved you" like why me why couldn't we talk about this if you told me that you wanted to go take me with you you promised to show me the beaches the sunrises and stuff now I am sitting here in exile in a moment of self reflection, splitting headaches, short sleeps in 72 hours I slept for 7 hours alone, because going from cuddles to cold chills, from good morning kisses to the silence mornings.

This is only just monday too, this was the longest day of my life. keeping calm and waiting gets harder with each time passing second, don't rush let it take time to heal, but I just want my little bug back. I waited to long for her, I want a new start with her on even playing field away from my family and away from her family, somewhere where we focus on each other. Ya know life stuff get the real deal out of being together. Not just a note on the bed with all your stuff. I don't want to be here, well defiantly not suffering like this, splitting headaches where one side wants to cry and the other wants to just end it all get a real purge going.

but the sad thing about this is, its only MONDAY I slept like I sat in bed all day sunday, and saturday I literally did nothing but cry.

I don't fear anything in life (other then spiders because screw them), but I feared that room we stayed in, because I would come in and see her face smile and her excited attitude "hey honey" but now that room is like a dark room that I don't want to enter, fearing those demons the demons of her those are ones that I fear, being alone without her again, no touches, no kisses, no her presence. AND ITS ONLY MONDAY. Kill me now so it will be over. I still have 4 more days to go.