K6

I know you dont read this, I know that I am posting to the ghosts, I sometimes like to think you do and it puts a smile on my face. But after the events of the last 48 hours maybe you dont. I mean since we first met I kept everything we messaged on because the words we speak mean a lot to me. I like the words you speak to me at times and one thing that has kept me posting on this blog is that you told me that you do read this. But at times like this I dont know if you do, it would make me smile if I know you did. But idk. My voice is gone not sure if you read my last post but the stuttering isn't going away and the slurring inst either. I literally dont know what to do. I tried to be strong and keep my head up, try to act like I'm perfectly fine. But the emotions have swelled up because I cant see you anymore and I've been crying ever since again, normally I would go do something and take my mind off of our break up and work hard on trying to provide for you, but right when I get close to hitting my goal with you, your gone again. I've been crying in the shower every time I take one, I do feel a little better but the thought of not being able to smile with you to laugh with you is what hurts me the most, it's kinda like 2 years ago the same emotions I feel. You say I changed but I'm still the same guy you are in love with if I feel like this. Trust me it's never any easier when you take off with someone else, because it means I cant see you or hear your voice. I dont have a voice recording to listen to anymore. I miss hearing you say you love me. It puts me at ease. So yea I cried all day because when I look up I see you, I hear your laugh and see your smile. I started going to church again, something I failed to do when you were here, they were talking about marriage in the temple, and it made me think of you because I told you that we would get married in the temple, i remember when i told you that you had a huge smile on your face. I teared up when they spoke of it. You would like my church they are all cool people. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing, it gets impossible to listen to them because they aren't you. Like I said in my unconditional love post I can only listen to you because you only matter to me. I try to keep my head up and not cry or have mental breakdowns but it gets hard because I don't know who I am, what do i fight for who do i live for now. I cried in the shower and thought about suicide. You act like you have bad disorders in our relationship but your wrong, I have depression, and suicidal thoughts. But after I met you after I first kissed you they went away from me. But when we fight and you say "toxic" it comes back. Because you think we are toxic but we aren't at all. I sit here and I think about us, and we aren't at all, we both are the same we both want the same thing. We still care about each other we both dont want to hurt each other. Our "fights" are really just us trying to understand each other like when you like to sleep in the cold though I didnt like it I adapted to it. Because you got upset at me. Each time you got mad at me I understood you more and more. I did learn one thing, about you that I hold close to me. You like to take charge and play the mother role in the relationship and I like to be the provider and take care of you. I learned you aren't use to be taking care of and actually having it easy. Not having a chore nor having a bill to pay. You think that I'm trying to deprive you but it wasnt that at all. It was me doing what I told you I would do. Take care of you that's why I was so picky about where you would work I'm not trying to be controlling it's literally me being concerned. Like you told me your a walking ball of stress, it's my fault your like this I blame myself for you running away, the biggest sin I have done was leaving you in 2015. I know you havent forgotten and you never let it down. I beat myself up about that. Everyday every second. Your my bae, your my whole world and my world revolves around the sun which is you. My sunny days come from your smile, my rain comes from when you cry and I hate those. I try to be strong but I am as scared as you are. I hope he is taking care of you and loving you in my absence. I know you dont want to be part of my family, and I get that. When you come back it will be on where you were the happiest. I would rather be where you are happy then somewhere that hurts your joints. Which does worry me a lot. I really do miss you and I really do want to start over with you somewhere where we are on even field no family no nothing just us. I know your happy where you are, it's good that your able to move on a lot faster then I can. I'm just a sappy romantic guy when it comes to you. It took me 7 years to get over my high school crush, and that's when I met you. And I promised my whole life to you. Which I have in a message and i read it because of your response. I remember how you said you can never forget me ever. And how happy it made me, you are the only woman that can make me happy, that is why I can never forget you, your silly, beautiful, funny, your my emotions, my rock, my emotional support being. You may not think it but you are the one for me, I only say i love you to you and mean it everyone else i say yea to. I go crazy and turn into a mess when you are gone. I do nothing but cry I cant think straight and it gets hard to know what to do. I became a custodian because that's all i have left after you departed. It's funny my success is because of you, and you don't think that's true but it is, that's why i promised my life to you because my success is your success. But like I said I know your not reading this and I do want to believe you are one of the readers that reads this, because I just want to show you that I am dedicated to you someone that you will always have in your life that will take care of you and not want anything in return. I dont want the sex from you when I buy you stuff I just like seeing you have it. So I do wish you read this I do wish you keep up with this blog because I made it for you, I just want to show that I want you to see me and to know what I am doing. I know I am probably writing this to the ghosts of the internet and to the bloggers of the world. But i hope that you love bug read this and know that I'm here.