Getting therapy

So it's been decided i....am getting therapy.....again.......

I'm a mess, and I know it.

I reread the e-mails, but I never shot down the thought of moving...in fact I even brought it up once on my own all I got was a it would be good. I said a year you never replied with a better date.

I know my family wasn't like this and I explained to them many times about you.

So I lied to them, made them believe I was on their side..... stupid me why would you do that.......

I love her selfish ways of keeping me with her..... taking me from them I loved her strength in that.....

I couldn't tell something that was never there. So how could I hide something. She thinks I lied and hid all kinds of things but I never once did. Everything was in the open there was nothing in the shadows.

She thinks I will pull her back to here but it is quite the other way around.....pull me with your strength to you like you do....

Career a future none of this matters because I planned it all around you.

I know living with me isn't easy even i know it's not....so that's why I'm going to therapy to see if I can get this to stop....

You say that you will hold onto these memories why not make more.....I can quit my job at any time and I could be on a plane real fast.... that was my plan for the last 15 days....that's why I asked about your great grandmother a lot....the signs were there but you backed out of them.....

Your not a toxic disease but actual my remedy I felt relaxed not mad I felt great when it was just us.....but when we got home that's when I needed you the most

Now my words aren't heard or seen by you.. this nonsense I can't help I'm lost I'm a mess....you kept me together

And now I need help.....your gone again and I'm scared....I'm not moving into my own place till we talk because i want to build a home for us for you.... I want to not see you struggle not see you go through that again......I wish you would read this.....I wish you could understand... I can't contact you for a while so I have to let this sit here until you read these again.....

I'm wrong....im a fool.......I'm stupid..  scared....and alone.......

Love bug I need you please understand....I can control myself but I can't control my friends.......I asked for some help but I didn't think they would take it this far... 

I called your mom once just trying to figure this out.......

I asked your dad once and that was it....

Everyone else wasn't me......

I know you wont come back to my family and I'm ok with that I l... i.... want to be with you more I choose you like I always do and I don't know what to do.....your not here to dry these tears love bug im sorry

I'm going to therapy so I can have a distraction I love you and miss you and I'll be here waiting......like I always do