I'm sorry so so sorry

I don't know what to do, I can't control my breathing, this is the second one today, and it hurts a lot. I don't think I can keep going like this. This stress, the anxiety attacks. I have no energy to do anything. I'm lost I really am lost. All I can do is endure it and wait but the pain in my chest won't go away.. I have no one to talk to no one to help me, everyone I turn to just makes things worse for me. I don't want a restraining order, but I don't want her to take her eyes off me. Because when she does i feel like this. She is home to me, despite what I say, I'm scared and I'm shaking, I'm lost and don't know what to do. I feel like I'm dying but I just don't want her gone...... I just want these tears to stop I just want the shaking to stop. But it's getting bad and I'm scared I really am scared I miss her, and it's all my fault. I'm a failure and I'm scared she gives me confidence and now I have none I'm scared and i can't pretend anymore. I've been trying to drink the problems away but it doesn't work.....the memories just come at me full force and I cry . I miss her should have listened I know she's not gone but I miss her. I just want the tears to stop, I want to be able to focus again. I want to sleep at night, I want to be able to be creative again. But now I don't have that. I'm breaking down so much and these damn tears won't stop. I know when she's hurt she says hurtful things. But I can't help it i love her.....i don't know what to do....i need help these tears won't stop I wipe them away and more and more come out. I'm dying inside again, and the pain in my chest won't go away I miss her touch I'm an idiot I'm a fool. Please tears stop falling please stop I have to work but you won't stop. I want to stop shaking. I want her to tell me that she is here for me and hold me. I can't give her up she's like a drug to me.....we are toxic but I like it.....we are opposites but I don't care.....i just want.....to be....happy. to smile again, to love again......she thinks.....she thinks.....i can do that with someone else but I cant......who will help me pass my limits......make me calms when I hear their heart race.......i will wait....but these tears will keep falling, and the pain in my chest won't go away. I can't stand this pain....i always hate it....im longing for her and her healing touch......im trying to let time heal her so we can be together.....but till she returns the pain in my chest, the shaking and the tears won't stop..... this to me is hell.....i don't want to be in this....i can't focus I can't eat....i wake up in cold sweat.....i never dragged her name through the mud but I held it high all the way to heaven.... I'm trying to calm down but I cant....my heart won't stop, I don't want her to get away from me but to come to me.....start over with me so I can fully love her......but now I'm stuck broken and getting worse.....once a star nothing more then dust.....im am idiot and a failure of a husband.... these are the thoughts that fill my head... Maybe everyone would be better off if I was dead.....just send her a goodbye note then off with my head..... I can't give up on her and nor will I......... it's because I have seen her in my eyes for 3 years now and she's never left my sight not till now..... I'm scared and alone....i want to go home....turn back the time so I can tell her that we are leaving....i just want to be ok.... but I can't my mind and soul won't let me..... the tears fall so much that I don't know what to do..... I'm exhausted and tired, I just want to rest my head on her chest and sleep all this away...... I just......want to be ok......i just want to see her...... she put me on a no contact rule for right now.... and when I think of it the pain gets worse.....shes so beautiful when I see her that the tears fill my eyes I break down and cry......i feel like I'm going to diee.... they sent me home from work because I couldn't control it..... the wailing and the breakdown the pain in my chest.......i find myself having a conversation with her but she isn't there to hear me...... I see her after image when I close my eyes....i can smell her sweet scent... everyone who knows me stands by me, but i dont want that not from them......i hate when she tells me to listen to them......i won't turn away from her....it will hurt us both.... she knows I know it.....i just want the tears to stop..... I never cried this much before..... I never felt this kind of pain...... she tells me to heed her words but I can't always do that...... I love her and want to be with her...... I want to.......marry.....her......... i can never forget the time we spent and I want it to continue...... I'm trying my best..... but I can't help it I'm crying so hard...... this pain in my chest.....the shaking of my hands...... they won't stop........ I want to die..... but I know she doesn't care........ I know she won't read this.....i know she doesn't care.... I'm going crazy.....im losing my mind.....i need her to tell that she is mine..... I am hers and I am scared......why didn't she take me.......i want to go.... I'm alone.... I'm scared..... help me.....please save me.....im having a breakdown.......i can't breathe it hurts so much......the tears won't stop.....im going insane....tell me what to do let me be with you......i don't care if we are toxic but we can make work.......im just tired of not being ok..... I'm tired of not being happy......i was miserable without you but I pretended for you....now I'm exhausted to tired to pretend.... the pain in my chest......these tears they hurt.... I am having a meltdown and I can't get them to stop..... I'm sorry I'm so so sorry I want to take it all back........ this is true pain and I don't like it i know how you felt when I walked away from you.....i want to cry I want to die..... I don't know what to do.....i need you... the shaking won't stop the tears won't go away......they just fall and fall and fall......i....just....want.....to be ok.......i know you will come back because we are like magnets.......i just can't deal with with pain in my chest......im sorry.........for all of this.....im losing my mind.......i just want to see you....all the time.....because you cam make this pain stop dry up these tears and lead down the path that we both knew.......im sorry I'm so so sorry