Overdosing overseas and the lingering feeling of death

I overdosed in japan, right in the bathroom of my friends while they were watching tv. I couldn't bare life anymore. When I thought the memories had died down they came back full force I went from being able to hold demi's hand to I couldn't even look at her. Though it was a beautiful country but I didn't see it anymore i would see your afterimage walking around smiling. The words you said would fill my head till I got headaches. I wouldn't let anyone bathe with me for I used it to cry and have panic attacks. I would find myself clinging to a pillow tightly thinking it's you. I wanted the memories to be there but not resurfacing like it does, every second and every moment I spent with you I remember it all I even remember the arguements and how hard I cried after them because i want to see you smile and happy. I regret so much when you were here I regret raising my voice at you leaving you at home when I went to work the hiking trip. Not giving you all the pleasure you wanted though I did love doing that. Cant forget them and I dont want to I want to make more with you all over the world all over the states. I shouldnt have graduated from college I should have just left. I would wake up with no reason to live for. I pretended that I am ok, but you leaving Like this I dont know how to say how bad it is, I guess all the galaxies exploding would be a good way to put it. So while they watched tv I went to the bathroom looked myself in the mirror and took as many pills I could just to make up for my failure. But behold they saved me. They sat with me holding my hand for the whole 4 days I was in there. Then I was put on suicide watch for a while. It's funny this is the 3rd time and yet I cant die. I tried to kill myself 3 years ago but even that didnt go well. I thought about it when you were in the hospital too, i honestly feel like the world would be better off without me. I never did tell you the day you left I had a phone interview with a company in Florida right in Miami the pay was good so you didnt have to get a full time job if you didnt want to. I spent a while on the phone with them trying to get a deal and we did I had to pay for my own way to there and the job was mine. I had told everyone to save all our stuff so we could come back after a month to get it all. I didnt want to take away your independence I wanted to add to it, that's why i did what you said i wanted to drop out of college but you told me not to. I guess I fucked up, I should have did what you wanted and just left and started over. I spent three years planning this out my ultimate goal was to take you to Florida and get us a place by the beach, something I still want to do, get us cars and a couple of kids. I mean if you really wanted to know what I was hiding was the fact that I wanted to kill myself because you would be better off if I was no longer in the world. Because look at us we both want the same thing but we do get closer but then we do something stupid, like me and my pride. Yea we do complain a lot but that's how relationships are. But yea I cant hold a knife scissors or take advil without having a babysitter there for me. They wanted me to stay so they could keep an eye on me but I couldn't do that to them. I try to pretend to be ok but I always find myself crying in the shower. I find myself doing things the way you told me empty out my pockets when I take off my pants, I even cut onions the way you told me. I hate the fact that I cant smile or laugh I dont sleep well. My career as a designer is done my life since you left has crashed and burn. I got a new job at a company that pays me nothing, and I dont have anyone to consult with. My voice is messing up again I stutter, and my words are slurring. I cant play the guitar without looking up and seeing your funny smile and saying that's good. I wish you can tell me where I should go and what to do because I cant give up on you. I dont want you to come to Washington, and I wish you would understand that the rules I had to enforce weren't mine I had to follow them too, though it would piss me off as well. I mean you weren't the only one who wanted to get away, coming home to you was the only reason why I even stayed there. I asked you before you got here if you wanted to go someone else you told me no not really. So i brought you here if you told me otherwise i would have flown us both there. I....am unwell nothing here works for me anymore, I just want your forgiveness I just want you to help me end this feeling I want you to know that I just asked my friends for help and I told them what happened I didnt mean for it to end up this way I called your mom because I thought you would have been in Florida or even told her what's going on I worry about you I told you this I always worry about you because when you come back your even more messed up then you were when you left that's why I would say no certain objects or how I didnt want you to work till you were ready I know you I know your body I know your mental state and like I said I wanted to try to get you completely better yea Washington isn't a good place but it wasnt suppose to be permanent it was just till I graduated college I told you we were going to the east coast which I still want to take you, and i worked hard to get us there that's why I said I needed 3 weeks to get the money because i wasnt working 5 days but once i did I would have had the money for us to get tickets and be well off till I find work. I think we do love each other and we both want to make it work well that's what I think. I want to be able to see you again to talk to you. I want you to know how Much pain I am in without you, when you were here or even in my life, everything went well. Or even perfect because your my angel, my guardian angel. You are so much to me, my best friend like you said, I mean this toxic relationship is because we have a lot of unnecessary stuff going on. That's why I left my family because I just want....you i literally have nothing other then you and smokey or I had you. My body honestly isn't holding up well. But anyway. I hope your doing well. I never wanted to ruin anything you have or take stuff away. I wanted to add to it I wanted to watch you achieve so much I know your Hope's and dreams and i want to help you achieve them as a thank you for letting me spend the rest of my life with you. But i guess i have to wait again to finally finish up the rest of my life with you. I dont always say I keep my eyes on you just to see who your dating it's because i need to make sure your not dying your not breaking even more. Yet you always see me as everyone else that does you wrong. I told you I would always watch over you. I told you that when we first met I said it constantly yea people dont get it or understand it but I am a man of my word. If I promise someone something I will keep it no matter what. I promised to take care of you matter what something you made me promise to. That's why I try to keep my eyes on you, because I care about you even when you thought you were obese I love you, you and your anxieties, that's what makes me love you more because your different you dont try to be like everyone else though you want to be I think your perfect because we bring out the best and worst in each other. So that's why I watch over you it's because i only care about you. Please be ok and please dont forget about me though you say you cant I just pray that you will talk to me soon so we can get away and start over. So yea I love you and I'll be here when you need me. I'll do what I can to get better but idk I'll think of sonething.