Group therapy

I hate it group therapy, it was either that or mental hospital. I literally hate it they make me go three times a week then I have my 1 on 1 sessions. Each time I go I want to die, I literally do mean it. I sit there same sit each time I go 10 of us in this room sitting around in a circle and talk about living. I feel sick to my stomach listening to the other 9 but I have to endure until they see me as a threat not to myself and to others. But it gets harder each session. We stand up and talk about our days what we did and why we feel like we have meaning in our lives. 4 of us are "in" the same boat, partners who left us high and dry over stupid stuff. They all say the same thing, they left to go to a different city. I still see their parents, yea not me I dont get that luxury right now. I get the silence a stuffed animal and haunting dreams. I hate the other 9 people I am in there with. Each session we stand up and talk about how we are coping with things do we regret suicide, how is our progress with dealing with our life our losses. I hate their answers so annoying, one person who I swear is dead inside like me says things like "i got my smile back i have a better outlook on things" others say things similar but I'm not gonna lie not in front of them, not in front of the therapist.

I dont regret my attempt, I feel like life would be better this way me dead I smile at that because it's how I feel. It helps the pain completely leave me. It will make her happy if I'm dead, I do believe that. When she leaves it comes to me maybe it will be better if i die. I know my death wont be a loss to her if it wasnt for this suicide watch I would be dead, she tells me to not do this but I cant help it she knows I hate failing, she knows how I feel about that about her. If it wasnt for the fact I'm being watched I would have slit my throat, think about my life doesnt matter I knew what i lived for i knew what i want i had it we were almost there i asked for 3 weeks just three to get the money and leave. To this to being told I hate you, and that I'm useless by the one person I love. The one person that i am loyal to she doesnt want my loyalty she doesnt want to show me her safe haven so I can turn it into paradise. So what good is my life then huh we sit here and lie well I'm not that kind of person I'm not gonna lie. I love her it will never change it will never go away. Everyone hates that about me that I'm in love with her. That's why I want to die that's why i am not gonna lie. It would be better this way because then she is free from me then I will no longer hurt. Because I'm tired so drained it's a chore to get out of bed I have nothing to live for. So will I attempt suicide again yea I will. Itll be better that way, not just for me but for her as well. I shake so much not from being cold I don't even know why I went from drawing straight lines to not being able to, I'm constantly on edge and I lost my safe haven, the one place I go to get away from life when international travel is not an option, I cant set foot in California and I hate it that's why I want to die so badly, each chance I get to want to do something awesome with her is stripped from me, so that's why I know it would be beat this way Because in 1 week I will be forgotten and I'm ok with that i would rather be known as the graphic designer who gave up on life.

Because of that someone relapsed and the leash around my neck got tighter. Each week we are given a task something to help us get well. This week we were to write a letter to why we did it and read it out loud and comfort each other on it. We aren't to share it with anyone out side of the session.

I hate the other 9 people in there they try their best to be positive be we all know we would rather be dead, why lie for the 4 of us life wont get better for us we know that nothing in this world will distract us from what we want.