Single session therapy

My therapist is cool, he is understanding I guess. I read him my suicide note, and her response to it. We sat in silence for about 3 min before he spoke again, he told me she doesnt know what she wants to do. It seems like she coached me down and there is still something there. Then he changed subjects to me so I didnt break down, I explained to him my stresses and how they are affecting my day to day life. I told him about my hands shaking and how they never stop and about how I feel alone and isolated, how i never feel safe and have panic attacks. He made me elaborate and so I did. I can't design anymore because its what got me to this and I'm scared if I do it again that idk I'll miss something. He knows about my situation, the emails on the count of the investigation that I was in due to my 2 suicide attempts. So no social media unless I ask, they have control over so much of my day to day life it sucks. I use safety scissors. I need to be watched when I cook even if it's a bowl of cereal. A hour and a half 2 times a week I am with him. He thinks that I might need to be on pills but doesn't want to do it on the account of me overdosing on them. To me it's a smart plan, cause now Itll be best if I died I know I won't be missed. I told him what was written to me, we both know she still cares, but he thinks there is a missing piece that is there. I told him the pain never goes away it just numbs my senses i dont feel nothing I dont know how to laugh or smile, a friend asked me what's wrong with my eyes they look dead. And that's my new look, we sit there for a whole hour of him trying to ask me about my feelings and each time I tell nothing changed, my luck was great when she was here job offers everywhere in different states, but I took ones in Florida for her but after this I turned them down. Now I'm lost and I don't know what to do. He made me write down my goals I told him idk anymore I have none, she took them to some other guy. I wish I can say I'm made and I hate him but I can't because i feel nothing, i feel like i was 19 again nothing matters to me not even my life, I'm tired of wearing this mask for society I'm tired of being the best me, I just want the voices to stop screaming. I was perfect when she was here I just needed 15 days to move i told her that 3 weeks and we will be gone. But she left right when everything fell into place. I told him I found a great paying job on Florida which meant she could sit on the beach all day not worry. Because we could have a great house, and my income would be enough, that I did it for her. Like college I graduated for her not for me, I would have been fine without a degree, but she motivated me doc. She got me to do it. I dedicated my life for her, and I still do. But also being dead will free her from me. Then she wont think of me not miss me like she does. Then she wont care. Each week same thing I tell him the numbness it increases, I saw someone get kicked off the bus the old me would have helped him but I just kept walking to my car. I dont know how to smile anymore, or laugh I shake so much it's like I have Parkinsons my mental capacity shrank I cant focus for very long and the only thing I can here in my head is her saying dont care about you, leave me alone I dont need you, i hate you, your an idiot, I dont care if you die leave me alone. I hear those words every day cause I know it's true like she said she didnt love me. Everytime I cry so hard and the doc calms me down. He tries to encourage me but it doesnt work on me, I'm numb just like back then from when i left her i was numb nothing i did matter no matter what interview i sat in no matter where my work was published just numb to it, she wasnt there to get the credit for it. Like I told him my success was hers when she thought I was doing it for me it was for her. My achievements I never owned up to I always said it was her. He was the only that understood it. So yea that's my therapy sessions.