Suicide reply

Behind ever great man is a great woman, words that I thought about from my hospital bed. I fell into a coma after I overdosed, they pumped my stomach and put me under suicide watch. I was finally let go today. Comas aren't fun, I cant eat certain foods that I like to eat. I could only read this and not reply to it, I've been sick.

My success is because of you, everything I strive for the boundaries I break is because of you. To be honest I wouldn't have graduated with a 3.89 GPA or even been known if it wasnt for you. I'm only great because of you, I told you this in the bedroom during fights. But my success is your success my achievements have always been yours. I've told you this too you dont need to know you have me. My success is enough for both of us. I'm as great and bold and confident because I have you in my corner. So that boldness the confident me is with you. Before every job interview I would look at a picture of you kiss it and then turn it my way. My success that your so proud of is yours I didnt do it for me, my degree, my talents, they were never mine my talent is to sleep, but my confidence, graphic skill, is because of you it hurts me a lot to see and know that you never realized it.

I have only...lived for you, these years of working hard is because of you because I listen to what you told me to do you told me to try harder and keep going and that's what I've done for you. You're the only one that can tell me what to do, but I hate when you tell me to give up on you. I hate when you tell me to listen to everyone else my life just gets worse from there. I've always listen to you, because I honestly look up to you...I wish I could say I'm lying but I'm not...a woman who has went through hell and hasn't died is my wife/partner I'm lucky....

I've also to you this a lot but....your my world, so this isn't a pothole in my life, if this was I wouldn't have been in a coma I wouldn't shed tears every night or be lost to what I should do. You know I hate it when you say your not worth it to me. You have always been worth it, I pick you up and you hold me down that's how it's been. But I dont think you see it.

I have told you about stuff the three weeks, the other jobs, us leaving I made it clear to not just you, but I've said it in front of everyone with you in the room. I said proud, the last day when I took smokey back I cried when I gave him a bath and I told him its gonna be a while till we see each other.

You say you horribly worry about me but you dont know how worried of you I am, I am sorry this is long but ive had time to think about this.

Yes I am loyal to you because you dont know how much I need you, and I can only be loyal to you right now, yes I know you hate it and you think we cant, and you cant be hear for me and I get it. Like you said it's like all the other times, since I met you I dont know I just knew my life is going to change and I was right.

Lovebug you're the only woman that brings out the best in me. You can hate me be bad at me, despise me, and slander me for wasting my time on you but I'm sorry my heart literally beats for you. The hurt you say that will heal it never does when your gone. I can travel the world, a million times yet the pain never goes away....that's why I tried to kill myself life would have been easierfrom then on....even my family told me everyone would have wept for a week then been back on with their lives.... sorry this is long.

You know I hate when you make yourself out to be nothing but you should know you in my eyes your a diamond, I'll risk everything for you, because you do it for everyone else and I want to do it for you when you need me to. So please dont say that you dont want me too because I'll always risk stuff for you. Because I love you and I look up to you.

So until god let's me kill myself I'm sorry. And again I'm sorry this is so long